Dahling!

I apologize for the lack of activity on this blog! There are a lot of changes to my life, so things are stressful and in flux.

Last June, I was one of the lead actors in a B Horror/Comedy movie called "This Book Is Cursed." And this October, it premiered in a local theater! It was pretty cool, and the kids were super excited to have a movie star mother!

(This is my life now, dahling!)

Of course, October is also known as Halloween Month. Because Halloween is so awesome, we need to dedicate the whole month to it.

In what has now become a tradition, the smol children and I went over to a friend's house and we all went trick or treating together. This gave the kids the maximum amount of fun and candy, and allowed the grown ups to occasionally get a word in above all the screaming and merriment.

(WildBoy is the red power ranger, and WildGirl is the pink power ranger.)

In addition to the traditional trick or treating, I was also invited to a couple of parties this year. So I actually had a costume!

(I went as Seras Victoria from Hellsing Ultimate.)

Because, for some reason, I just identify with her a whole lot.

(I can't figure out why...)

While Halloween was awesome, VikingDad and I have also come to the conclusion that, after over a year in therapy, things just aren't getting better, so we decided to get a divorce. This is one of the main reasons I have not been blogging much. Sorry! Hopefully things will be less stressful in the future and I can continue to maintain this blog a little better.

The other reason is that I'm writing a book! An autism safety book. That I've been working on since the beginning of the summer. And I'm only on page 50.

(It's slow going.)

Still, writing a book is pretty awesome right? Right? Well yes but it's kind of boring waiting for it to be done.

Dirty Jobs

So... toilet training has been happening here at the Barbarian household. WildGirl is 6 years old and has Autism. We have been attempting to toilet train her for 4 solid years, and this summer we were finally mostly successful! Woohoo! Unfortunately, there are some really nasty side effects of trying to potty train a child, and when you throw Autism into the mix, things can get even weirder and more gross.

(Don't worry- her absolute adorableness makes up for any icky messes she might make.)

1. Poop smearing

This is, unfortunately, a common behavior for autistic children. When WildGirl was in diapers, we would try to find pants that she couldn't easily take off because she would play in the messes she made and I would have to clean it all up. It was not a fun time. Now that she's older, she doesn't play in her mess so much as simply use whatever is nearby as toilet paper.

It's totally logical, right? If she happens to have poo on her hands or her bottom, the logical thing is to wipe it off. And the most immediate solution is to use whatever happens to be nearby (towels, sheets, laundry, etc...). To her, I'm sure it makes perfect sense.

(To the rest of us, however... ewwwwww!)

2. Clogging the toilet

My inspiration for writing this post this morning came from the dirty job I had to do this morning- namely, taking apart the toilet looking for the 100th thing WildGirl tried to flush down there. One of the symptoms of Autism is becoming obsessed with certain interests or activities. Since she got so much positive reinforcement for flushing her waste down the toilet, flushing things down the toilet has become her new obsession (or in the Autism vocabulary, "special interest").

It used to be VikingDad's job to take apart the toilet, because he actually knows how the damn thing works. However, he decided that, after taking it apart for the 5th or 6th time, it was about time to start taking turns. So he taught me how to take it apart and theoretically how to unclog it. I say theoretically because I've now done it twice, and I have yet to be successful in actually unclogging it.

At this point, I should mention that VikingDad's idea of "teaching" is to give me all relevant information at once (at top speed) and then leave me alone. Because once I have all the information I should be able to figure it out on my own right?

(Me, after listening to VikingDad explain stuff.)

VikingDad also has high functioning Autism and an IQ of about 140, so, for him, this method actually works. Learning is simple in his world: 1. Gather information, and 2. Apply the information. Simple, right??? Well, for me, not really. I have ADHD, so the amount of theoretical information I can retain at once is limited. I'm kind of a "learning by doing" person, and, no matter how interesting I find a topic, I still end up zoning out in the middle of long explanations. (And how toilets work is not one of my life passions.) So I did my best to follow his instructions, and actually ended up doing things (mostly) right for a change. Yay! Maybe I would have some actual real world skills by the time this is done. Maybe.

The one major problem I had was unexpected. I had to carry the toilet from its spot to the tub, and, in order to do that, I had to lift it straight up. I'm a barbarian- lifting things is one of my many talents. But I could not for the life of me lift this toilet straight up. I could lift one side and then the other, but doing that would damage the wax seal on the bottom. So, to my shame, I had to ask VikingDad for help lifting the toilet. Of course, he gave me a hard time about needing his help... until after the whole project was done, when I was curious and google'd how much the average toilet actually weighs. Apparently, our toilet model could weigh between 100-120lbs.

So, in other words, I outweigh our toilet by 10-30 lbs. Well, I guess I need to practice my deadlift!

After getting the toilet into the tub, it was time for the gross and frustrating part, and I'll spare you the details. Let's just say sometimes it's easier to break apart the fucking toilet with your bare hands than find the stupid clog. One time it was a lotion bottle. Another time it was a toy. Another time it was a whole roll of toilet paper. This morning it was a small remote control. And that is only the short list, my friends. The. Short. List. This child has made it her hobby to stuff whatever random object she can find into the toilet.

But, with the help of VikingDad and lots of effort on my part, the toilet is now working. We don't even tighten the screws down all the way anymore, so often do we take our toilet apart. I'm sure next week we will have to do the same dirty job.

(Waaaaaaahhhhhh!)

And, after all the hard work is done, it's time to take a long, long, thorough shower.

(Sometimes with bleach. Sometimes I need to spend the next week in the shower. Sometimes I sound like Lady Macbeth.)

3. Mooning the class

Since WildGirl is in easy-to-manage pants now, she has fully taken advantage of this fact by pulling her pants down at any opportunity. This is the third school day in a row I've gotten a call from her elementary school principal saying that my daughter has, once again, mooned the class.

She thinks it's hilarious.

It may very well be hilarious.

But, I'm annoyed that I'm getting a call from the school every day. It just sends a certain kind of message.

So, I may need to buy a bunch of tiny overalls to prevent this sort of thing from happening.

You're so right, The Dude Meme. You're. So. Right.

Wild, Wild Summer

Every summer is the same. My children, devoid of the structure and responsible supervisory environment of school, run wild. Yes, I am their mom. I could, theoretically, supervise them closely and create a structured environment. But I don't give a shit.

Hey, I do make an effort. I take my kids out to do fun things. I read to them every night (unless it's a Jujitsu night- then someone else has to put them to bed). I manage their swim lessons and library programs and the myriad recreational trips we took. Mostly, though, I try to survive my children, not necessarily worry about things like politeness, or schedules, or... clothes...

WildGirl ran around naked with our dogs in the yard the entirety of June and most of July. If the neighbors minded, they said nothing. None of her school friends ever invite her over (probably because she bites them), so she really bonded with the dogs this summer. We have 3 large, slobbery dogs. One of them, Miguel, is a pit bull who is the sweetest, most tolerant dog I have ever met. WildGirl took to following him around and calling him "my brother". The dogs have accepted her as one of the pack. She barks when they bark. She licks things. She poops in the yard, sometimes. They pretty much think she's a very loud puppy.

(See? Isn't he a nice puppy???)

WildBoy, on the other hand, ran around with his friends. He played on jungle gyms, ran around in the forest, and taught his friends how to throw a spear. At Summerland Spirit Festival, a Pagan festival that we attend in the summer, he saw me learn to throw a spear. He was really bummed that, as an 8 year old, he couldn't throw any spears himself, so I taught him proper spear throwing technique using a pool noodle. He then applied this knowledge to sticks he found in the woods and taught his friends. (There is probably a reason I don't have many "mom" friends...)

(Me, throwing a spear at Summerland.)

(I teach my children to wield sharp weapons with deadly accuracy. What do you mean I'm not invited to your backyard barbecue?)

There has also been a huge development in WildGirl over the summer: she has learned how to poop and pee on the toilet! Yay!

(Words cannot describe how happy I am to NOT have to change poopy diapers everyday.)

Due to WildGirl's autism, I have been trying to potty train her unsuccessfully since she was 2. She is 6 years old now. You do the math. WildBoy is 8. That means I've been changing diapers every day for over 8 fucking years. I'm so sick of it. Not only that, but from the time WildGirl learned to use her hands until a year ago, she has been fascinated with her poop and has done everything from eating it to smearing it on the walls, the doors, and the dogs.

(The dogs don't really mind.)

At one point, I was giving WildGirl a bath twice a day and have to scrub the walls at least once a day. So I am thoroughly sick of cleaning up poop. By now I'm a poop expert.

(Here's my fucking badge.)

It's not WildGirl's fault. We're not sure, but either due to her autism or an unrelated bowel condition, she does not poop correctly. Either she gets constipated or she intentionally holds it in until it leaks out. However, in June, she got put on different laxatives that are easier on her body, so, as long as I'm proactive about making her sit on the toilet until she poops (which she absolutely does not want to do, ever), she will poop only once a day. And once she learned to poop on the toilet, she also figured out that wearing underwear is fun and grown-up, so she was motivated enough to learn to pee on the toilet too. Yay! There have been at least two full days where she has not ONCE had an accident! In the wacky world of autism parenting, we call that a success!

(WOOT!)

Now, there are still days where she refuses to poo, so by all means the struggle is not over, but for once in my life there has been PROGRESS!

There is another reason for me to celebrate: next week, school starts. Words cannot describe how happy I am that, finally, I will be able to get a break from the children. Ever since I quit my job as a security guard, I've been with the kids full time and I sometimes get sick of it. I'm very happy that this is my last week having to deal with two untamable, bored, cabin-feverish children all day.

And, to all the teachers out there that have to put up with my feral children, I salute you!

(Good luck!!!!)

The Cyclone Of Doom

I just got home from a long weekend of Jujitsu. Every year our dojo throws an awesomely fun camp full of throws, joint locks, grappling, and weapons. Also: getting drunk, eating amazing food, massages, zip lining, and sitting around a fire listening to metal and socializing. At least, that's my idea of awesome. I wrote about my first camp experience (last year) here: Jujitsu Camp: Tomahawks and here: A Very Jujitsu Summer .

This year, even new badassery was introduced in the form of a professional wrestling class. One of the instructors from our dojo modified some of our techniques to look like the techniques used in professional wrestling. So we got to do cool things like choke slams, the boston crab, and a couple of neck crank and piledriver variations.

(The Boston Crab)

After actually learning some cool shit, we got to create our own choreographed fight scenes using some of those techniques, and (of course!) a lot of acting. :) There was screaming and yelling that could be heard in the nearby healing tent and probably farther.

(It may have made their massages slightly less enjoyable.)

There were some really hilarious and cool fight scenes.

(Like this one.)

(And this one.)

(And this one.)

My fight scene was the best! Well, I may be biased. ;) But I think my partner and I came up with a pretty awesome fight.

"Ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from Who-the-hell-knows-or-cares, Wisconsin, The Cyclone of DOOM!" And the crowd goes wild!

She starts off with her signature move, a leaping flying spinning kick right to her opponent's face!

What power and flexibility! "Just Doug" doesn't stand a chance!

But what's this? "Just Doug" comes back with a nasty throw! And Cyclone is flying through the air. She lands hard! Will she be able to recover from such a vicious attack?

This might be it for the Cyclone! Doug is trying to finish her off with a Boston Crab. He has a couple of superb finishers in his bag, so the Cyclone is in real trouble here. She's crawling toward the side, trying desperately to get to the rope to break up the pin. And finally she reaches the rope! But what's this? "Just Doug" is not letting up! The referee has to get involved, now. There's some confusion on the mat. The Cyclone is up and out of the pin but Doug is still arguing with the ref!

While Doug is arguing with the ref, the Cyclone comes up from behind and jumps on his back! She has him in a sleeper hold! But Doug throws her over and breaks the hold, and Cyclone lands hard! She is getting wiped across the floor now. Doug is throwing her over and over! Could this be the end?

Doug comes in one more time for a finishing punch. The Cyclone is winded and bent over. She doesn't look like she can stay on her feet, much less withstand another of Doug's brutal moves. But what's this? Cyclone blocks the punch and throws her opponent in a brutal choke slam! What a surprising turn of events! "The Cyclone of DOOM" looks like she is about to finish him off! She reaches down and... rips out his throat! The crowd jumps up in shock and starts running around screaming and fighting. No one can see what is going on in all the chaos! Was "Just Doug" just murdered right here on the mat?

Well there you have it, folks, "Just Doug" met his end right here on the mat, and the match comes to an end with a throat crush, as all things should!

The Jujitsu Test That Happened Months Ago

So, this is an embarrassingly late post. I generally try to update this blog with what's new in my life, but as you might have noticed, there was a period of time where I was simply too swamped to post anything new.

(Sorry.)

So, I got my green belt in Jujitsu! Yay! Wait, you knew that already? Because I've had this green belt for a couple of months now? Oh, well... I know for a fact that you haven't seen pictures! Because VikingDad took hundreds of pictures and I had to go through them and sort them and well... I just didn't feel like it until now.

(I can't be too sorry about not devoting hours of my life to going through hundreds of pictures. Meh.)

Most pictures are basically white blurs anyway, because, let's face it, it's really really difficult to get a good picture of someone performing martial arts.

(...Like this one, for instance. White blurs. Except for the higher ranking students in the background standing in judgment. Eeep!)

Anyway. I didn't feel ready for my test, so I was super nervous.

(I think my expression says it all.)

After bowing in, we had to demonstrate how to fall properly.

(I.E. not on your head.)

I really like that picture, because it looks like I'm falling straight onto my head, and that's hilarious to me. In reality, I started from a headstand and was flipping over. So, just in case you were worried, I did not, in fact, break my neck.

(This one looks kind of cool, though.)

(...Although sometimes the landings are kind of rough. LOL)

After intentionally falling down a lot, it was time for joint locks.

(In other words, how to break someone's wrist in all conceivable ways. This is one way.)

(Here's another way.)

(We also frequently break thumbs.)

(And even do the occasional neck crank.)

I did pretty well on joint locks, but next came the throws! Throws are far and away my weak area in martial arts.

(To my surprise, they worked pretty well!)

(One of the few non-blurry throw pictures.)

(I also demonstrated a submission hold or two.)

(Setting up a Makikomi throw.)

(And the test ended in a throat crush. As all good things should.)

I passed my test! And not only that, but I did my best, too. I'm pretty happy about how it went. After the test, I took my first throws as an official green belt.

Victory!