Wild, Wild Summer

Every summer is the same. My children, devoid of the structure and responsible supervisory environment of school, run wild. Yes, I am their mom. I could, theoretically, supervise them closely and create a structured environment. But I don't give a shit.

Hey, I do make an effort. I take my kids out to do fun things. I read to them every night (unless it's a Jujitsu night- then someone else has to put them to bed). I manage their swim lessons and library programs and the myriad recreational trips we took. Mostly, though, I try to survive my children, not necessarily worry about things like politeness, or schedules, or... clothes...

WildGirl ran around naked with our dogs in the yard the entirety of June and most of July. If the neighbors minded, they said nothing. None of her school friends ever invite her over (probably because she bites them), so she really bonded with the dogs this summer. We have 3 large, slobbery dogs. One of them, Miguel, is a pit bull who is the sweetest, most tolerant dog I have ever met. WildGirl took to following him around and calling him "my brother". The dogs have accepted her as one of the pack. She barks when they bark. She licks things. She poops in the yard, sometimes. They pretty much think she's a very loud puppy.

(See? Isn't he a nice puppy???)

WildBoy, on the other hand, ran around with his friends. He played on jungle gyms, ran around in the forest, and taught his friends how to throw a spear. At Summerland Spirit Festival, a Pagan festival that we attend in the summer, he saw me learn to throw a spear. He was really bummed that, as an 8 year old, he couldn't throw any spears himself, so I taught him proper spear throwing technique using a pool noodle. He then applied this knowledge to sticks he found in the woods and taught his friends. (There is probably a reason I don't have many "mom" friends...)

(Me, throwing a spear at Summerland.)

(I teach my children to wield sharp weapons with deadly accuracy. What do you mean I'm not invited to your backyard barbecue?)

There has also been a huge development in WildGirl over the summer: she has learned how to poop and pee on the toilet! Yay!

(Words cannot describe how happy I am to NOT have to change poopy diapers everyday.)

Due to WildGirl's autism, I have been trying to potty train her unsuccessfully since she was 2. She is 6 years old now. You do the math. WildBoy is 8. That means I've been changing diapers every day for over 8 fucking years. I'm so sick of it. Not only that, but from the time WildGirl learned to use her hands until a year ago, she has been fascinated with her poop and has done everything from eating it to smearing it on the walls, the doors, and the dogs.

(The dogs don't really mind.)

At one point, I was giving WildGirl a bath twice a day and have to scrub the walls at least once a day. So I am thoroughly sick of cleaning up poop. By now I'm a poop expert.

(Here's my fucking badge.)

It's not WildGirl's fault. We're not sure, but either due to her autism or an unrelated bowel condition, she does not poop correctly. Either she gets constipated or she intentionally holds it in until it leaks out. However, in June, she got put on different laxatives that are easier on her body, so, as long as I'm proactive about making her sit on the toilet until she poops (which she absolutely does not want to do, ever), she will poop only once a day. And once she learned to poop on the toilet, she also figured out that wearing underwear is fun and grown-up, so she was motivated enough to learn to pee on the toilet too. Yay! There have been at least two full days where she has not ONCE had an accident! In the wacky world of autism parenting, we call that a success!

(WOOT!)

Now, there are still days where she refuses to poo, so by all means the struggle is not over, but for once in my life there has been PROGRESS!

There is another reason for me to celebrate: next week, school starts. Words cannot describe how happy I am that, finally, I will be able to get a break from the children. Ever since I quit my job as a security guard, I've been with the kids full time and I sometimes get sick of it. I'm very happy that this is my last week having to deal with two untamable, bored, cabin-feverish children all day.

And, to all the teachers out there that have to put up with my feral children, I salute you!

(Good luck!!!!)

The Cyclone Of Doom

I just got home from a long weekend of Jujitsu. Every year our dojo throws an awesomely fun camp full of throws, joint locks, grappling, and weapons. Also: getting drunk, eating amazing food, massages, zip lining, and sitting around a fire listening to metal and socializing. At least, that's my idea of awesome. I wrote about my first camp experience (last year) here: Jujitsu Camp: Tomahawks and here: A Very Jujitsu Summer .

This year, even new badassery was introduced in the form of a professional wrestling class. One of the instructors from our dojo modified some of our techniques to look like the techniques used in professional wrestling. So we got to do cool things like choke slams, the boston crab, and a couple of neck crank and piledriver variations.

(The Boston Crab)

After actually learning some cool shit, we got to create our own choreographed fight scenes using some of those techniques, and (of course!) a lot of acting. :) There was screaming and yelling that could be heard in the nearby healing tent and probably farther.

(It may have made their massages slightly less enjoyable.)

There were some really hilarious and cool fight scenes.

(Like this one.)

(And this one.)

(And this one.)

My fight scene was the best! Well, I may be biased. ;) But I think my partner and I came up with a pretty awesome fight.

"Ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from Who-the-hell-knows-or-cares, Wisconsin, The Cyclone of DOOM!" And the crowd goes wild!

She starts off with her signature move, a leaping flying spinning kick right to her opponent's face!

What power and flexibility! "Just Doug" doesn't stand a chance!

But what's this? "Just Doug" comes back with a nasty throw! And Cyclone is flying through the air. She lands hard! Will she be able to recover from such a vicious attack?

This might be it for the Cyclone! Doug is trying to finish her off with a Boston Crab. He has a couple of superb finishers in his bag, so the Cyclone is in real trouble here. She's crawling toward the side, trying desperately to get to the rope to break up the pin. And finally she reaches the rope! But what's this? "Just Doug" is not letting up! The referee has to get involved, now. There's some confusion on the mat. The Cyclone is up and out of the pin but Doug is still arguing with the ref!

While Doug is arguing with the ref, the Cyclone comes up from behind and jumps on his back! She has him in a sleeper hold! But Doug throws her over and breaks the hold, and Cyclone lands hard! She is getting wiped across the floor now. Doug is throwing her over and over! Could this be the end?

Doug comes in one more time for a finishing punch. The Cyclone is winded and bent over. She doesn't look like she can stay on her feet, much less withstand another of Doug's brutal moves. But what's this? Cyclone blocks the punch and throws her opponent in a brutal choke slam! What a surprising turn of events! "The Cyclone of DOOM" looks like she is about to finish him off! She reaches down and... rips out his throat! The crowd jumps up in shock and starts running around screaming and fighting. No one can see what is going on in all the chaos! Was "Just Doug" just murdered right here on the mat?

Well there you have it, folks, "Just Doug" met his end right here on the mat, and the match comes to an end with a throat crush, as all things should!