My Friend and My Arch-Nemesis

Today I will introduce you to my Arch-Nemesis.  The problem with this Arch-Nemesis is that I keep vanquishing them, only for them to return, stronger and more problematic than last time.  My life is a series of battles, despair, victory, followed by brief periods of bliss and peace, followed by more battles and even more despair.  Are you ready to behold the face of such a worthy opponent?  OK, but I'll warn you: it's hideous.  The mere sight of it might cause lesser men and women to soil themselves, or run screaming from the room.  Here it is:
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(In the background: AAAAAAHHHHH!  The dreaded Pantry Moth!  Run AWAAAYYYYY!)


Seriously, these motherfuckers are a huge pain in the ass.  I have tried everything short of burning my house down to get rid of them for good, and they ALWAYS come back, stronger and more numerous than before.  The first time I saw these moths hanging around I was vaguely curious, but I have a habit of letting strange creatures alone until they pose a threat to me or my family's health or sanity.

WELL.

Consider my sanity threatened!  I declare War on you, O Mighty Pantry Moth, and I will slay you violently and with no mercy!  I will kill your very children in front of your eyes until nothing remains but the faintly annoying memory of your all too brief existence!

Let me list all the things I have tried to get rid of these fuckers:

1.  Throwing ALL my food away.  Pantry moths live in people food, eat people food, bathe in people food, lay their eggs in people food, turn into larva in people food, and destroy people food.  Their existence is dependent upon people food.  YOU WOULD THINK.  Except that, even after putting traps out and throwing out all my food, I found pantry moth larva in the dog food, in corners of the room, in the toy box, and on top of the refrigerator.  Apparently there is enough food-like substance lurking in all corners of the house (don't really want to think about that, actually) to sustain these stupid little pests.

2. Traps.  Pantry moth traps work, and they work well.  We caught so, SO many pantry moths in those traps.  I used to feel slightly bad for killing moths with traps because, as a barbarian, I prefer to end my enemies' lives with quick and sudden violence, not allow them to slowly starve to death trapped on a sticky surface.  Now?  I laugh at their suffering, letting the thought of their slow and painful demise somewhat mollify me when I think of all the beautiful food I've had to throw out because of them.  The traps are out pretty much all the time, now.  Having traps scattered throughout the house is my new normal.  Despite how effective traps are, the moths STILL find ways to reproduce enough to keep them in business, and every once in a while I still have to throw out a whole box of cereal because my blissful desire for a snack turns into a disgusted rage as I find eggs and larva in the bottom of my cereal box.  UGH.

3.  Flyswatters.  The pantry moth pictured above met its violent, untimely end at the hands of such a weapon.  This weapon, in fact.

Flyswatters aren't the best for getting rid of moths long term, but they can certainly help, and it feels so satisfying to take out the fuckers and leave their corpses pasted to the kitchen ceiling as a grim warning to the rest of them.

4.  Letting my friends help out.  Yes, spiders are my friends.  Yes, I realize that most people are deathly afraid of them, or hate them for other (irrational) reasons, but whatever.  I love them.  Get over it.  AND they eat pantry moths, so I rejoice when I see them in the house.  Especially the one I found yesterday, a beautiful beautiful garden spider (Argiope aurantia).  She had the smart idea to make camp on our light fixture.  The light attracts the moths, and she gets a snack.  I named her Auri after a character in the Kingkiller Chronicle (plus the name is a play on her scientific name and also the light fixture where she made her home.)  Yes, I'm crazy for naming spiders that pass through my life.  No, I don't give a shit.

So, there you have it.  My battles with the Dreaded Pantry Moth continues to this day, even as recently as this morning, when I took out my flyswatter and wreaked havoc on their pathetic little lives and replaced the traps (depressingly full, as usual).  Now, my ceiling is decorated with the corpses of my enemies once again.