Unsurprisingly, barbarians are often ravenously hungry. As a rule, I am not, being kind of freakish even for a barbarian, but my offspring are ALWAYS hungry. And, like most non-barbarian offspring, they won't eat what's put in front of them. The result is food-obsessed zombies (if zombies had the energy of super-bouncy balls, that is) that blatantly ignore the wholesome barbarian food I place before them, and instead wander around in search of grub, complaining all the while that there is nothing to eat in the house and they are hungry.
VikingDad has the appetite of a lion- he will gorge himself on 3 goat corpses and then not eat for days afterward. This means he cycles through a few phases- "hungry phase" where he is, for lack of a better word, hangry, and you'd better leave him the fuck alone because if not he will eat you. At the end of his hangry phase, even the offspring start to look delicious. Thankfully, we live in a day and age where food is abundant, so he can at any time grab 6 goat burgers and enter the next phase, "consuming all the things." While consuming all the things, he usually puts on an old samurai movie, which gets him in the mood for eating, and then devours everything on hand, especially if it is Chipotle. This phase only lasts about 5 minutes but in the meantime he has consumed 2 Chipotle burritos, half a gallon of ice cream, 3 bags of cheese curds, and the still beating heart of a moose. The next phase is "food coma", where he finishes his samurai movie plus 2 more that Netflix has recommended, all while lying down on his back on the bed, groaning loudly, and farting whenever he can. Seriously, if you've never seen a documentary about lions, watch one and you will know exactly how VikingDad operates. After his food coma phase, he enters the "satisfied" phase where he doesn't care about food at all, and if you ask him what he wants to do for dinner he will reply, "I'm not hungry" and continue on playing his computer game. As a result of his weird lion phases, I hardly every bother feeding VikingDad, because he's either not hungry or wants way more food than I can reasonably acquire in 5 minutes' time. He feeds himself, and usually things work out.
VikingPrincess, who is 17, goes through phases, too. She goes through gluten-free phases, phases where she cares about healthy food, and phases where she will eat every donut in sight. Good luck determining which phase she's on at any given day.
VikingLad, who is 15, eats... and eats... and eats! He will eat through $100 in fast food per meal if you allow it (I don't). Buy something he likes and he'll eat the entire week's portion in one afternoon. He'll eat entire pizzas, entire jars of nutella, go through 3 2 liter bottles of Mt Dew a day. He will not eat wholesome barbarian food like raw steak, so I've determined he is a lost cause and just try to lock down any snacks I don't want to be ravenously devoured 2 minutes after I buy them. Feeding VikingLad is like placating a giant, hungry Tarrasque- pretty much impossible, and you have to use a Wish spell to get enough food to satisfy him. (And, being a barbarian, I have no spells, only manly punches.)
WildGreenBoy, who is 7, is hungry ALL the time. Even when pooping. Even when sleeping. Even when swimming. Nothing escapes his constant hunger. He complains of being hungry literally ALL the time, even when he is currently eating. And he looks like he is made of twigs, that's how skinny this boy is. Every other day I'll ask him about his poop to make sure he doesn't have worms. I have no idea how one child can be as ravenous as this child is.
WildPurpleGirl, who is 5, has digestive issues, so she gets a pass for her fickle appetite. Although, she may just take after her dad and it's her nature to eat all the things one day and nothing the next. Sigh.
And then there's me. I am generally not ravenously hungry. However, there are exceptions. During menstruation I must eat all the things, and doom and death to those who steal my chocolate! And during pregnancy I had to eat constantly, but my fickle stomach could not handle most things, so I hoarded my chosen food like a dragon hoards gold. Only I would defend my food even more fiercely than the fiercest dragon. If you so much as LOOKED at my food I would be liable to flay you on sight. And woe to those who would try to tell me what to eat! I would enter berserker frenzy and tear anyone around me limb from limb and then dine on their liver (liver contains lots of nutrients- good for the baby). I suspect that's why I didn't have many friends while I was pregnant.
Tip for being a barbarian: Eat All The Things. Especially if it's raw meat. Rawr!
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